The psychology behind enablers often comes from a mix of past experiences, traumas, family dynamics, and personality types. This is why it is so important to encourage loved ones to seek things like addiction treatment, support groups, or detox opportunities so that they can get the help they need from health professionals. Being an enabler doesn’t mean that someone is a bad person, but it isn’t a healthy thing for either them or the person that they are trying to take care of. For example, giving money to a loved one who uses it for drugs or alcohol, or covering for someone’s bad behavior, are forms of enabling. An enabler, however, might repeatedly call in sick for that loved one at work or make excuses for their behavior, preventing them from facing consequences or taking accountability for their own life.
The impact of this personality type can be far-reaching, affecting not only the enabler but also those around them. An enabler personality is characterized by an overwhelming desire to help others, often at the expense of one’s own well-being. Let’s dive into the world of enabler personalities and explore how this well-intentioned trait can sometimes do more harm than good. It’s a paradox that many of us face, especially those with an enabler personality. But these behaviors often encourage the other person to continue the same behavioral patterns and not seek professional help. Enabling actions are often intended to help and support a loved one.
You Deny Their Behaviors
- Some might improve as you establish healthier dynamics.
- Therefore, make some positive changes within, start taking responsibility, look after each other’s needs, and face your consequences instead of passing them.
- Sometimes, enablers don’t realize that they aren’t helping the other person and are allowing destructive or unhealthy behaviors to continue.
But substance misuse is only one context; enabling can happen in any scenario where a person’s harmful conduct goes unaddressed, ignored, or even indirectly supported. While the intention is usually to help or protect a loved one, enabling frequently perpetuates the very behavior that causes harm. This is referred to as having an enabler personality. Support groups like Al-Anon may be useful for people whose loved ones are living with addiction. That is, accept that you’ve played a part in perpetuating unacceptable behaviors in your loved one and make a commitment to breaking the cycle.
Covering for them or making excuses
It can be difficult to say no when someone we care about asks for our help, even if that “help” could cause more harm than good. For example, giving them information about mental health professionals in the area that might help. When you empower someone, you’re giving them the tools they need to overcome or move beyond the challenges they face. There’s often a fine line between enabling and empowering.
Avoiding conflict might seem like the easier path, but sidestepping real issues can validate harmful actions. Empowerment, on the other hand, involves supporting someone’s autonomy and decision-making—even if you disagree with the choices they make. If you find yourself obsessing over rejection or a one-sided relationship, you’re likely stuck in limerence “But it’s important to recognize when enough is enough and to make changes, for their good and your own.” “For a lot of people, learning to be assertive is a new and potentially uncomfortable skill set.
Enabling Emotional and Psychological Dependencies
Empowerment stands in contrast to enabling because it fosters responsibility and encourages personal growth. Enabling typically involves taking control or intervening to shield someone from the natural consequences of their actions. Disconnecting from a loved one is a self-protective measure — and it’s usually a last resort Pointing out how their behavior makes you feel and giving them projects to own can help you both It’s not that you need to cut the person out of your life necessarily, but they need to know that they are no longer welcome to come to you for support.
Setting Boundaries
It’s often frightening to think about bringing up serious issues like addiction once you’ve realized there’s a problem. Whether your loved one continues to drink to the point of blacking out or regularly takes money out of your wallet, your first instinct might be to confront them. Someone struggling with depression may have a hard time getting out of bed each day. They prevent your child from experiencing academic consequences that could affect their future.
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For example, a parent might insist, “They’re just going through a rough patch; it’s not that bad,” even as their child’s substance use becomes more obvious. Other experts label the stages as innocent enabling and desperate enabling. Not all experts agree on the amount of stages when it comes to enabling, but some include denial, compliance, control, and crisis. While this may keep things running smoothly in the short term, it allows the other person to avoid their responsibilities and creates an imbalance in the relationship. For example, a partner might take on all the household chores and bills because their spouse refuses to contribute, thinking, “If I don’t do it, nothing will get done.” Overcompensating involves neglecting one’s own needs and taking on the responsibilities and tasks of another person.
How to Stop Enabling a Mentally Ill Person?
- “But it’s important to recognize when enough is enough and to make changes, for their good and your own.”
- For example, an enabler might support someone else’s consumption of alcohol or substance use, self-harm, unlawful action, or manipulation even after knowing the consequences.
- Sandstone Care is here to help you learn how to set the right boundaries with your loved ones to help them recover from substance use and mental health issues.
- Being an enabler doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.
The difference is that enabling takes helping to an extreme. That kind of thing happens sometimes, and it’s probably OK. There’s nothing wrong with helping others from time to time. We asked Dr. Borland about the signs of enabling, and how to put an end to the cycle of nonproductive “helping.”
Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness. Sanjana is a health writer and editor.
So, how do you know if you’re an enabler? In fact, you might be surprised to learn that enabler personalities are as prevalent as pumpkin spice lattes in autumn – they’re everywhere! It’s like being a superhero, minus the cape and the ability to fly (though I’m sure many enablers wish they could be in multiple places at once). Enabling behaviors include making excuses for someone else, giving them money, covering for them, or even ignoring the problem entirely to avoid conflict. You might feel torn seeing your loved one face a difficult moment.
Encourage Professional Help
Learn to say no and acknowledge problematic behaviors within In some cases, we are the reason behind problematic behaviors. It’s a fact that 80% of couples are unaware that they are into enabling behavior. Enabling behaviors can be commonly seen in codependent relationships. An enabler is someone who continuously supports or encourages someone to act in ways that potentially cause harm to someone. In this blog, let’s understand what enabler behavior is and how to stop it.
They may also feel that you’ll characteristics of an enabler easily give in on other boundaries, too. If you or your loved one crosses a boundary you’ve expressed and there are no consequences, they might keep crossing that boundary. But you don’t follow through, so your loved one continues doing what they’re doing and learns these are empty threats.
If not, it’s okay; we have got your back. Enable behavior is an unintentional type of behavior that stems from devotion, love, affection, or desire to help everyone. Consequently, at some point, they feel underappreciated which results in feelings of resentment.
Do any of the above signs seem similar to patterns that have developed in your relationship with a loved one? This resentment slowly creeps into your interactions with her kids. Over time you become angrier and more frustrated with her and with yourself for not being able to say no. Resentment can damage your emotional well-being, but it can also help you realize the situation may not be healthy. Your resentment may be directed more toward your loved one, toward the situation, both, or even yourself. Or, “I can’t stay in this relationship if you don’t get professional help.”
It’s like the airplane safety demonstration – put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. It might feel uncomfortable at first, like wearing new shoes, but with practice, it’ll become second nature. Let’s break those chains of codependency and learn to put ourselves first (at least some of the time). Is it hard for you to say no when someone asks for help, even if you’re already overwhelmed?
They might think, “If I don’t step in, everything will fall apart,” but this mindset keeps them stuck in a cycle of overgiving while the other person avoids responsibility. They often step in to fix problems, shield loved ones from consequences, or avoid conflict, even when it causes them stress or exhaustion. An enabler does things that the person should be able to do for themselves. One of the distinct differences between a helper and an enabler is that a helper does things for others when that person can’t do it themselves. Motivations for enabling behavior can be complex and multifaceted, often involving a combination of factors.
